i'm back here. back home. whatever that is. i'm back to the way it has been all my life. no. i'm just too forgiving for my own good. i hate myself. and i'll never be able to go back. it's impossible now. I've past the point of no return and i cry all the time. at least...hmm well i thought i would be able to think of something optimistic but no. not me. not now. not ever. maybe i should kill myself. no. yes. the one thing keeping me from doing it really is the fact that i want to be the most remembered person out there. and it's funny because anyone who reads this lame little journal entry anywhere has no idea who i am, and maybe if one day i am remembered. no one on earth would know that it was the cutter. the girl who pours her heart out into deviant art and onto her wrists. but i don't know. that probably made no sense and nothing that i say ever does. to the inner depths of my mind the things i try to put into words are understandable but no. i don't know what to say. this is not my suicide note. not yet. it is though, my never going back note. why the fuck was it so perfect yet still i cry about every night. i shudder at the thought. will i block it out? i maybe hope so. what can i say? I've done it. i really have. really? no. no nonononononoooooo but yes. unfortunately yes. things can't go back, they won't. but yet they have? is it too late to change the world because i have done something that i have wanted all my life but that at the same time confirms all of their steriotypical predictions of what would become of me. and now it's all back. but how? is that what i wanted? no. but i can't have anyone know. but yet they already do. and it's all my fault. i actually believe that if the apocalypse happened tomorrow that i would be solely responsible. and how would i react. the same. i am a self centered person but i don't see the world through a distorted lens like many of us tend to do. i think at least. it's difficult you know. now i really don't know. what? what? and so on. i can only wonder. and think. and continue on. because now after traveling through space and back in time, i am finally back.